Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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