I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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