just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
