see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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