I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
