Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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