He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
did i just pee glitter
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
