I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
