So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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