You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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