Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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