sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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