Moan for me like Helen Keller
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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