I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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