wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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