I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
