Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
