Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
