he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
