If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's rum buckets o'clock
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
