Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
