I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
