I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
