I heard we made out
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
