we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
