I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
