you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
