Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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