I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
