She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
