I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
