do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
