The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
