My hair reeks of homosexuality.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
