so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
