Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
