This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
