where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
