I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
