So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
