I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
