Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
