I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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