So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
