hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
