I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
