mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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