he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
