i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
