I am puke
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
