our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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